Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Don't you just hate having to break up with someone? It's the worst. Especially when the problem is that you're just not feeling them, and it's not because they've actually done something bad to you (well...besides just being themselves, I guess).



But really...can you ever break up with someone without producing ill feelings? On "Sex and the City" this guy once broke up with Carrie by leaving her a post-it note. A post-it note! Dang, that's pretty cold...but can you really blame him for wanting to take the easy way out? I hate being on the receiving end of the "it's not you; it's me" speech but what I hate even more is having to recite it to someone else. I always procrastinate about it because I imagine the conversation will be long and drawn out, and won't end without them asking that dreaded question, "But why?" No matter what you say, it seems like the only thing they ever seem to hear is "BECAUSE YOU SUCK!"


So what is the best way to break up with someone? I conducted a very unscientific poll and I've narrowed the results down to these top three approaches:



1) Give'em the old "Straight Up/No Chaser," which is sitting them down and telling them the truth. Hmmmm...now while this may be the most mature approach, it may not always be the most practical. I mean, some guys can't even refrain from calling you out of your name when they can't get your phone number, so how do you think he's going to react when you're trying to wipe him off like some crap on the bottom of your Christian Louboutin's??? Good luck with this one ladies, I suggest filing the restraining order in advance.


And what happens when a guy tries to tell a woman that she's never going to be his wife after she's already ironed his drawers, fought his baby's mother and co-signed for his car? She's going to cry, curse, and slash some car tires, that's what. She may even call in her cousins Boo Boo and Big Mike. Yikes.




2) This approach is what I like to call "The Diversion." Guys are infamous for this one. This is when he starts an argument so he can storm out and make you think it could've all worked out if only YOU hadn't tripped on HIM. (Think: the chicken argument from "I Think I Love My Wife" ) Ain't that some stuff? lol I must admit though, it's brilliant because it usually works and they have the added advantage of "forgiving you" and being welcomed back if they ever feel like seeing you again. The bastards.





3) And last, but not least, "The Disappearing Act" which is popular with both men and women. If you have caller ID, all you have to do is avoid their phone calls and hope they'll eventually get the hint that you're no longer interested. (Note: you have to be prepared with an excuse like, "My phone has been acting crazy, lately" if they trip you up by blocking their number or calling you from a number you don't know). Just as with "The Diversion" the biggest advantage is that you can always come back if you ever change your mind. The biggest disadvantage is the fact that some people just NEVER get the hint. It could be months or even years before you can stop parking your car around the corner from your house, and stop screening your calls, and avoiding suspicious packages in the mail. In some extreme cases, it may even be necessary to fake your own death.

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Well, there you have it. At some point, we've all had to dump someone, and we've all been dumped. (If it hasn't happened yet, just keep living: it's the law of averages, baby). The moral of the story is this: if you're ever dumped, don't beat yourself up about it. It may not seem like it at the time, but being dumped could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. The universe could be preparing you for something better. And if you ever have to dump someone, please remember that bad karma will come back to haunt you. Be kind!